I recently read this somewhere:
'If those whom we begin to love could know us as we were before meeting them, they could perceive what they have made of us.'
(just don't go down yet...*peace*)
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Every time I read or get reminded of this, I take my time to process the essence of this beautiful statement. It deserves that honour. It makes so much sense!
May be is this why people say, it is always better to marry a friend? Of course you need attraction & 'feelings' towards that friend, to fall in love. But if you find that love in your friend and that friend understands what has he, as a person, as an individual, since that moment you fell in love with him has made of you, there's nothing more precious a gift than that.
My eyes caught this beauty when I was (am) in that phase of my life where eventually I succumbed to reality and met my first prospective 'would-be', arranged by my parents! :|
Till then, the dogma I had of such a meeting was, from that first meet, you would 'know' which side you will be swaying vis-a-vis to this 'relationship'. But alas! it was not the case. In our first meet, we managed to spend 8 hours together. Still, I ended up being confused and supremely terrified! Of what? Of my realisation of the huge commitment that marriage heeds!
It was nowhere near what my friends and myself had perceived and discussed about. Things are slightly different in a love marriages (or so I think) because, you 'know' the person. You have already come to an acceptance of the person as an individual, along with his outlooks, immediate goals and futuristic aspirations. You have already found out that, yes, we will able to support each other through thick and thin of life. And the difficulty now lies only in post marriage when 'families' get involved. There will need significant compromises owing to lifestyle shifts that becoming a 'family' brings along.
But with arranged marriages, we are blindfolded to every element of each other. My friends and me have discussed about how giving space to one another is essential. But never about what if we are unable to support each other's individual aspirations? For nowadays, it is not like before where the woman 'very naturally' shifts her lifestyle and goals in alignment with her 'new house', 'new parents' and 'husband' / 'new friend'! Nowadays each of us have developed a personality for oneself. And when meeting someone only with the outlook of prospective marriage, the thought of the process of combing two distinct individualist traits into one, FOR ONE (the goal of living a life together), without severe compromises and patches, is a terrifying journey! And that too with a person whom you will be allowed to get to know and understand only for around 3 months at the max! Mere explanation about oneself to the other does not develop understanding. Combined experiences put together over a significant period of time, create understanding.
When you are first meeting a person arranged by parents (the only difference between parents & arranged by friends is, you do not have enough time to understand one another in the former), it is easy to start with, 'let us first try to become friends, and then see how things proceed'. But that judgemental mind always stays at the backseat, evaluating every action and every say - 'Oh he is a party animal! & of course excepts his wife to like parties! Do I want my guy to be a party animal?' 'He doesn't smoke. Omg! But I smoke!' 'Mmm. Nice of him to feel responsible. Shows maturity. But alas! he thinks his wife is his responsibility! Omg! does this mean that he is going to be dominating??' . Just think. If these perceptions had belonged to your friend, our thoughts would have been - 'Oof O! You are such a party animal you know! Anyways, no I am not in a mood for party today. You go.' If he doesn't smoke - 'Oi! give me company, I am going for a smoke' There will not be any second thoughts about is it ok if I smoke in front of him? Will he accept his wife smoking?'. The 3rd is the best! If the friend says I feel I am responsible for my wife - We will be like - 'How sweet. Caring he is.'
I might not have given best examples there. But basically the point is this - with friends, we are not going to live with them There are no 'relationship expectations' from each other. We simply accept, and get along. But with a prospective would-be, we always evaluate. There are a few that can be accepted, but there are others that cannot be ignored, but could have been ignored if he is just a friend.
Where does all these complexities lead to? Each not knowing the true other, and if its ends up working out, then it would be a marriage based on compromises made after careful evaluations, rather than compromises made after consciously accepting each other as individuals.
Does this mean love marriages are better than arranged marriages? Frankly I don't know. I am not against arranged marriages. But I feel we should be broad minded to give the couple the time, even if it means years. But Indian parents do not seem to understand that. With every arranged meeting, each person, with / without hopes, inevitable exposes a little part of oneself to other, who is a complete stranger. Which means, every failed arrangement is like a failed relationship. A break up. This break up needs time to be overcome - something I feel that can never be understood by Indians parents of my generation. But even in these constraints, the culture has witnessed successful matrimonies that did find love post commitment.
Well then what can I say! Demons are there in both worlds. But I guess flexibility and broad-mindedness can fight them, which is currently highly imbalanced in arranged marriages.
'If those whom we begin to love could know us as we were before meeting them, they could perceive what they have made of us.'
(just don't go down yet...*peace*)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Every time I read or get reminded of this, I take my time to process the essence of this beautiful statement. It deserves that honour. It makes so much sense!
May be is this why people say, it is always better to marry a friend? Of course you need attraction & 'feelings' towards that friend, to fall in love. But if you find that love in your friend and that friend understands what has he, as a person, as an individual, since that moment you fell in love with him has made of you, there's nothing more precious a gift than that.
My eyes caught this beauty when I was (am) in that phase of my life where eventually I succumbed to reality and met my first prospective 'would-be', arranged by my parents! :|
Till then, the dogma I had of such a meeting was, from that first meet, you would 'know' which side you will be swaying vis-a-vis to this 'relationship'. But alas! it was not the case. In our first meet, we managed to spend 8 hours together. Still, I ended up being confused and supremely terrified! Of what? Of my realisation of the huge commitment that marriage heeds!
It was nowhere near what my friends and myself had perceived and discussed about. Things are slightly different in a love marriages (or so I think) because, you 'know' the person. You have already come to an acceptance of the person as an individual, along with his outlooks, immediate goals and futuristic aspirations. You have already found out that, yes, we will able to support each other through thick and thin of life. And the difficulty now lies only in post marriage when 'families' get involved. There will need significant compromises owing to lifestyle shifts that becoming a 'family' brings along.
But with arranged marriages, we are blindfolded to every element of each other. My friends and me have discussed about how giving space to one another is essential. But never about what if we are unable to support each other's individual aspirations? For nowadays, it is not like before where the woman 'very naturally' shifts her lifestyle and goals in alignment with her 'new house', 'new parents' and 'husband' / 'new friend'! Nowadays each of us have developed a personality for oneself. And when meeting someone only with the outlook of prospective marriage, the thought of the process of combing two distinct individualist traits into one, FOR ONE (the goal of living a life together), without severe compromises and patches, is a terrifying journey! And that too with a person whom you will be allowed to get to know and understand only for around 3 months at the max! Mere explanation about oneself to the other does not develop understanding. Combined experiences put together over a significant period of time, create understanding.
When you are first meeting a person arranged by parents (the only difference between parents & arranged by friends is, you do not have enough time to understand one another in the former), it is easy to start with, 'let us first try to become friends, and then see how things proceed'. But that judgemental mind always stays at the backseat, evaluating every action and every say - 'Oh he is a party animal! & of course excepts his wife to like parties! Do I want my guy to be a party animal?' 'He doesn't smoke. Omg! But I smoke!' 'Mmm. Nice of him to feel responsible. Shows maturity. But alas! he thinks his wife is his responsibility! Omg! does this mean that he is going to be dominating??' . Just think. If these perceptions had belonged to your friend, our thoughts would have been - 'Oof O! You are such a party animal you know! Anyways, no I am not in a mood for party today. You go.' If he doesn't smoke - 'Oi! give me company, I am going for a smoke' There will not be any second thoughts about is it ok if I smoke in front of him? Will he accept his wife smoking?'. The 3rd is the best! If the friend says I feel I am responsible for my wife - We will be like - 'How sweet. Caring he is.'
I might not have given best examples there. But basically the point is this - with friends, we are not going to live with them There are no 'relationship expectations' from each other. We simply accept, and get along. But with a prospective would-be, we always evaluate. There are a few that can be accepted, but there are others that cannot be ignored, but could have been ignored if he is just a friend.
Where does all these complexities lead to? Each not knowing the true other, and if its ends up working out, then it would be a marriage based on compromises made after careful evaluations, rather than compromises made after consciously accepting each other as individuals.
Does this mean love marriages are better than arranged marriages? Frankly I don't know. I am not against arranged marriages. But I feel we should be broad minded to give the couple the time, even if it means years. But Indian parents do not seem to understand that. With every arranged meeting, each person, with / without hopes, inevitable exposes a little part of oneself to other, who is a complete stranger. Which means, every failed arrangement is like a failed relationship. A break up. This break up needs time to be overcome - something I feel that can never be understood by Indians parents of my generation. But even in these constraints, the culture has witnessed successful matrimonies that did find love post commitment.
Well then what can I say! Demons are there in both worlds. But I guess flexibility and broad-mindedness can fight them, which is currently highly imbalanced in arranged marriages.
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