wHen I rEAlised the LONer in Me . . . .

I am 25, working away from home, living by myself and single since the last 5 years. In these 5 years, my few little dreams have come true, I had reached at least one milestone in my life, made friends internationally and still pursuing my dreams in every little thing. Basically, I am living my life embracing the pitfalls, rising like a phoenix and gifting myself for my milestones, all independently and responsibly (or so I think!).

While all these were happening to me, people / friends in my circle were also stepping up the ladder in their lives, facing their own challenges and reaching their milestones. And one common milestone among most were either marriage, proposal acceptance or becoming a mom! And I was here, being me, having a great social and professional life but an uneventful personal life. My personal life was not empty empty. I played violin, shopped, expanded my book library, ran a marathon and what not! And I did enjoy them. But also, I secretively craved to get into a relationship, and explore myself in that context. And that element of my personal life, for some reason it was just not happening, and somehow it made me feel empty inside. However, I still always somehow held that hope that I would be able to find a guy for myself.

With all these mixture of emptiness and bountifulness, off late, I have been struggling with this 'self obsession'. Living alone and finally checking off my bucket list one by one, lets me explore myself to limitless extents that, the more I think I am getting to know myself, the more I get self obsessed, that I have forgotten what it is to think for others, about others or what it is to accommodate others into my peripersonal life! Adding insult to the already injured and confused me, my  overseas friend, whilst in a conversation with me over the phone, casually mentioned, 'Loners like you......'. That got me thinking - loners!? me!? I was for some reason unable to take it out of my head for it has never occurred to me that I am a loner. Along with the emptiness and my soundingly eternal hope, I had never felt lonely per say. Albeit inevitably boredom creeps into my uneventful personal life or I get frustrated of the fact that there is none messaging me and the only calls I get are either from my parents or from Vodafone, I had always found means to keep myself occupied by cooking, pestering friends, reading book, jogging, writing, networking, movies and what not. Never did I feel a loner. But then suddenly last week before, it happened.

I was at home for Pongal, and was in discussion with another friend of mine at CCD. And for no reason, from nowhere, a pang of realisation came into my head - Oh shoot! I am a loner! a self obsessed loner! That was when I lost all my hope of finding a guy for myself, or as a matter of fact, lost hope that I would be even interested in a relationship. I was so self satisfied and self sufficed. I also realised that, my life being at that age since last few years, I had totally forgotten what it is to live a life without thinking of finding a guy or of relationships, marriage and commitments. I threw all these frustrated realisations on to my phone, and switched it off for the rest of my 3 days of stay at home. The one person who constantly worries of my safety - my mom - is beside me. So other than her, I need have not to direly attend any others' calls. So I happily locked my frustrations into my phone, and rested it and had forgotten about it.

And those were the 3 peaceful days of my life! There was no anxiety in me to check whether have I got any messages, no anxiety to check has the person responded to my message, no frustration when I go to attend a call only to realise it is just a call from *$%#% Vodafone. My cortisol levels were happily at bay, and I felt less lonely, less bored, and found better quality ways to occupy my time than checking whatsapp or messaging someone.

Now that I am back to room, away from home, I am forced to keep it on to attend my mom's phone calls. I do get frustrated with network calls but else, I keep it locked in my shelf, giving a damn about whatsapp messages or staying connected with school and college friends who are busy with their own personal lives. Also, I have stopped thinking about meeting my guy or relationships and commitments. Of course my parents will remind me of it with their horoscope matches. But that anxiety is no more in me, and I like it this way.

There are things one cannot control, and is best if left not trying to control. Somehow this detachment from my cell phone has helped me untrigger my past memories and live my life in the present, and I like it this way. Temporarily or for permanency, I do not know, and am not planning to speculate on it either.

My brain and my mind are at peace with themselves.